Steven Covey once detailed that he was in a subway car on a quiet Sunday afternoon. Some young children ran into the car, followed by their father. The kids were acting rambunctious, causing a commotion and generally disturbing the peace. Covey claims that his initial attitude, based on what he could see was, “How could this father just sit there and do nothing?” He said to the man, “Sir, do you think you could control your children a little? They are very upsetting to people.” And the man lifted his head up, becoming aware of what was going on, and said, “Oh yeah, we just left the hospital. Their mother died about an hour ago. I guess they don’t know how to take it, and frankly, I don’t either.”
A paradigm shift, according to Covey, is when you allow your perception (what you believe about the world) to be shifted by seeking to understand where others are coming from. If Covey hadn’t known that the man on this subway had just lost his wife – that the kids had just lost their mom – he might have remained irritated at their behavior. But after looking past what he perceived was happening, he was able to realize that there was much more to the story.
I’m not claiming to be the most understanding all of the time – I’ve had many moments where judgement was my default lens. However, coming across this information (that I had previously learned over 12 years ago) was a timely and divinely orchestrated occurrence.
Part of why I find it so hard to forgive repeat offenders is because I am so deeply wounded by their behavior, which is re-opened with each new offense, that I build a snowball of resentment. I am facing the need to forgive, but am having a hard time wanting to. Among a topical bible study on forgiveness, anger and enemies, as well as some heart wrenching prayer, this paradigm shift information helped me get to a new level of awareness in how I can begin.
See, I get so absorbed in my own hurt that I don’t see theirs.
I’m not saying that my pain is invalid or that I don’t need to feel it (nor do I believe that a person should willingly put themselves in the position to be repeatedly hurt, if that is possible). However, I’ve realized that part of preparing my heart to forgive is to understand where they might be coming from. The well-circulated phrase that “Hurt people hurt people” is true – people hurt others because they are hurting. And who knows how much hurt I may have caused others in my hurting state?
It brings home the verse, “Forgive as you’ve been forgiven.” (Colossians 3:13) I didn’t deserve the forgiveness God gave me. And maybe, in my mind, neither do the ones who have hurt me. But I have to do it anyway. And pray for them. And love them! Trying to understand what might be causing them to hurt others helps me find compassion for the pain they must have in their heart and mind and leads me to obey the command to forgive, pray for, and love them.
Now, trust me, I feel that I will still have a process where my hurt overrides my understanding, at this point. But there was one scripture that jumped out at me when I was researching forgiveness. It is, appropriately, subtitled “Love for Enemies” and reads:
You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…. Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Matthew 5:43, 44 & 48)
That final verse is what got me and shifted the whole paragraph, in my mind. The Greek translation for perfect is: mature and complete. ”Be perfect” is, to me, an invitation. If I allow myself to become completed and mature in Christ, then loving my enemies and praying for them will more readily happen.
And so, I look up and know His love will fill me up and teach me how to love like He does.
Reposted from the blog As One Approved.
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