Due to the passing of my dad, I have been out of the daily discipleship loop. The website has closed down and my heart is in a funky place. I believe that I am taking a healthy space to grieve and process all that losing a parent entails. And God is teaching me.
One thing I have been taught is the importance of the scripture that asks believer and followers to not only rejoice with those who are rejoicing, but to weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15). I was completely ignorant, prior to my dad's death, what grief entailed. I realize that every person's grief is different and complex due to the personal nature of relationships. However, I know that I failed to understand, historically, other people's grief. For that, I repent! I'm sorry for any lack of sensitivity I may have ever displayed.
Another thing God is working in me is a struggle with hypocrisy. You see, prior to my dad's death, I was "gung-ho" all about discipleship and showing God's love. When he died, the love was seriously tested. Because of the sensitive state I was in, I was deeply hurt often by people who did not acknowledge my grief and/or who minimized mine with their actions and words. I started to lose faith in humanity. How could I preach discipleship and not want to be around other human beings? How could I show them love when my heart was so broken?
My answer is that discipleship is messy. And there are seasons when my ability to give and devote to others are limited. And I still love Jesus. And He still loves me. And I'm still trying to find love and give it, even though it's through heartache that I do.
I'm so thankful for the patience and love of people who have seen me through this process and discipled me along, even in my mess and hypocrisy. <3
